A Work In Progress

Returning to My True Nature

2011-12-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning my house tonight in preparation for our family Christmas Saturday morning and I came across a tote I haven't looked in for ages. As I was cleaning it out and sorting through the mess I found a bag of notes and cards that people had given me in college. Some of the notes were just saying hi and this and that but a few of the notes were some of the most encouraging words I've ever read. One was from one of my best friends and a couple others were from acquaintances, but they really touched me and made me think.I think I've lost some of the spirit and life that I had in me. I read the words they wrote about me and I just don't feel like that same person. I don't know if it's part of growing up or part of having to face the real world but whatever it is I don't like it. I enjoyed the childlike faith and spirit I had. I had dreams and ambitions and I loved without holding back. Over time I think I've hardened to many things because of rejection, disappointment and just plain fear. I guess I don't like part of who I've become. It kind of goes back to my last post. I've let the world tell me how I should be. The world is so cynical and mean and tells you that dreams rarely come true and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people telling me I can't do that or I shouldn't want this or dream of that. As long as I have God as my main focus I can dream whatever I chose. I am an optimist at my very core and I have let people change that and it breaks my heart. Who cares is people say I'm childish or stupid. I have a Father who adores me for who He made me to be and that's all I need. I don't need the world's approval and honestly if I have it then I am doing something wrong. We are called to be not of this world and that means not being full of all the negativity and hatred that the world throws at us. It means believing in crazy dreams because we know we have a God that loves to prove people wrong. He delights in making the impossible possible and I have to have faith that He will make my desires come true as long as I put Him first.
I feel like I've been rambling again but sometimes you just need to clear your head and here lately writing in this blog is the one thing that helps me to do that.

The Deepest Desires of My Heart

2011-12-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

I'm finally in a writing mood again which likely means I'm going to ramble a lot in this post but I just have so much on my mind here lately. I read a post by Brandon Heath today and I haven't stopped thinking about it. He talked about the things we truly desire but for some reason try to hide away. Our true hearts desire. This desire isn't for worldly gain. This is a desire placed in our hearts by God almighty. This is something He has made us passionate about. It's the thing that we dream about and tell people if only I could have enough time, money, courage, ect to do this. He made me really think about how much I've been silencing my heart here lately. I've been doing it for awhile. Mainly because of my lack of faith in God and in myself. I let the world tell me what I should and shouldn't be and that's just not how we were made to be.
   One of my greatest desires is singing. When I sing I feel alive. I love singing to God and about God and it just makes me come alive and feel free. Although I've been singing here and there I haven't been doing it as much as I could or with enough confidence. I let people tell me I'm not good enough and it breaks my spirit. I know that God thinks I'm good enough and that's all that should matter. I've never going to please everyone and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with that. There's are people who won't like me or like how I sound. I won't get chosen for everything but that doesn't mean I can't keep trying and keep singing. If I sing for the audience of one then I'm doing what I should be. When I start to worry about what others will think and if they will like me and how good I might be to them, that's the point where I've truly lost my focus in life. I can't let others hurt my relationship with the one who made me. He gave me the desire to sing and to sing loud. I won't be silenced. I want to sing out for Him and use the talent He gave me. There's something to be said for humility and we all must have it. We have to realize that we are nothing without God. But we also have to realize how much we truly are because of God. There's no good in making myself shrink away and I'm tired of doing that. I want to use what God has given me to the fullest potential and I plan on doing just that.
    My other desire of my heart is the mission field. When I'm on a mission trip I feel like God is using me the most that I've ever felt. I feel at home there. I feel like it's where God truly wants me to be. I haven't fully understood to what extent He wants me there but I know He wants me there in some capacity. It helps me to put all my focus on God and helping His children instead of worrying about me and what the world is doing. I can get so caught up in this insane world but when I'm on the mission field everything just feels right. I can't wait to go back to Haiti. I've thought about it every day since I returned. I think that's one of the reasons I know it's a true desire of my heart because it never leaves.
   I know my heart has other desires. I would love to be married and have a family but I honestly believe that God wants me to work on the other desires first. I think He wants me to put His will first and foremost. There are times I worry that my desires will never come about but what good does that worry really bring? And what good am I doing for the desires of my heart by just sitting around and doing nothing? I think God gives us opportunities to make our desires come to fruition and we just have to make sure we are looking for those chances and jump on them when they come.
   This may all sound crazy and maybe it is a little crazy and weird but maybe that's who I am meant to be. I'm more than alright with not fitting in perfectly with this world. We are not supposed to and when we really start looking like part of the world that's the point where we've lost sight of who we are truly meant to be. So much is running through my mind but I thank God for the insight He gives and the peace He provides. He placed these desires in my heart and I have to truth in Him to bring them about!

Anger: the good, the bad and the ugly!

2011-10-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am probably not writing this post at a great time considering the phone call I just had to deal with. I think I struggle with anger. I know there's a good anger and a bad anger and somewhere I get twisted in between the two. If you could see me right now you would know that I'm angry, but I actually feel ok with the anger I feel at the moment. I get angry when people don't have compassion, or when people simply care about nothing other than themselves. Sometimes I feel ok with that anger. When people care only about their own agendas and not about people and their lives. I put a lot of emotion into everything that I do. It's something that I've always done. I put emotion into friendships, work, church and so much more and it bothers me when people only put emotion into themselves. I'm not trying to brag about myself but I just had a phone call where basically someone yelled at me because something that highlighted them was pushed back again. It was pushed back because of really tragic reasons and they couldn't see that and only saw that their little spotlight would be delayed. When did we get so focused on only one thing in life: us? When did someones life matter less than a moment of glory? I think these are the types of things we should be angered about. I think the world and churches tell us so often that we shouldn't be angry at things that we forget that God was angry many times in the Bible. The world has forced us into believing that we only need to love everyone and conform to their standards that we so often forget we've already had our standards placed for us. Sin should make us angry. Injustice should make us angry. People dying every day and not knowing Christ should make us angry and yet we stay silent because we fear what others might say or do. I'm not saying that we should go around all the time being angry and I'm not supporting hate. The only thing God hates is sin so we should be the same. What I'm saying is that maybe there are more things out there that should upset us and motivate us to do something or make a change. We shouldn't be so placid in our emotions. We should be stirred by some things.
On the other side there is an anger that can bring us down. I know there are times when I let my not so righteous anger get the best of me. It's so easy to go to anger at times. Being able to truly forgive and turn the other cheek is one of the hardest things I deal with. There are times when I just want to be angry when someone hurts my feelings or doesn't chose me but then I'm reminded that all of those things are usually about how I feel and in the grand scheme of life are nothing. People will hurt us and we will hurt others but if we can't move past that anger and let stuff go then we are no better.
I guess there's a fine line between good anger and bad anger and we still have to focus on love above all else. It all comes down to making sure we are doing everything we can to live a life worthy of the calling we have received. We are called to be imitators of Christ and anything contrary to that, well...should make us angry!

The Art of Taking a Breather

2011-10-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already October. This year has flown by. It seems only yesterday I was waiting to go to Haiti and now the year's almost over. This has been one crazy year to say the least and this is starting to be one crazy month. It feels as though we haven't stopped going since the summer here at work. It's been one event after another and it's not slowing down any. I guess that's a good thing. I like to keep busy and it does make time fly by but it's also kept me from being able to just stop and breathe in life. We get so caught up in the go, go, go that we often overlook the joy of a moment of peace.
The Bible tells us to "Be still and know that I am God." I think that verse was placed there for people like me. I have a fear of silence. I feel like I'm always going to make a stupid noise or doing something awkward. The quiet scares me because it takes away everything and makes you focus completely. I feel like it's so easy to go and go and do this and that but when it comes to just stopping for a moment it's so hard. I do this in Christian walk to. I get so "involved" in other things that I tend to forget and leave out the most important person. I make time to go to this event and sing here and help here but I don't make that quiet time for God where we can really focus on our relationship. If we look back in Exodus, we can see that God spoke to Moses in a whisper. We look for him in the fire and the fury of all that we do in life when all He wants is for us just to stop for a moment and be with Him. It amazes me how I can find all the time in my day to accomplish or semi-accomplish various tasks but I somehow can't fit in quiet time with the one who made me. I know life would be so less chaotic and stressful if I did that. I mean really did it on a regular basis too. Not just one day here and three days later. I just need to stop and be at peace with God each day.
One of my favorite things to do is to stand outside when the wind is blowing hard. I feel the air moving all around me and for that moment it's like the breathe of God. I need to find a moment each day where I make myself stop and feel the wind. I know God is waiting and wanting me to find that time but He won't make me do it. I have to make the choice and when you look at all that He has done for us should it really be so much to take a little time out of our lives and spend it with Him? Those are my thoughts for the day. Here lately I've been pulled in so many directions that I just had to remind myself to stop and focus on what really matters in life. After all, the rest is rubbish!

Fairy Tales, Real Life and My Happily Ever After

2011-09-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

The one thing about going away for trainings is that it gives you plenty of time to be by yourself and think. This can be good and this can be bad. I have this thing called over thinking everything that can be a problem. Patience never was my forte. I like things to be done when I want them done. It's all back to this control issue that takes up so much of my life and thought. I still have yet to break myself of this idea that I have any control anyway. Yes, God has given us free will to chose to love Him or chose to deny Him, but once we chose to love Him part of the love is surrendering our so called control over to Him. This is what I think most of us struggle with. We want to love God and have His love in return but we can't let go of certain things. For some reason we think we can handle our lives better than He can. Maybe we are just too afraid of what He has planned for us or even what He might not have planned for us. Sometimes, the latter is where I get stuck. Part of me thinks it's only natural for a twenty-six year old single female who is still living on her parents property to wonder what her life is going to have in store for her. I remember being a little girl and just knowing I was going to marry a prince. I mean my name even means princess so it only felt natural :) I used to dream that I would ride away into the sunset with the man of my dreams and we would live happily ever after with our four children and beautiful house. All of this of course would have occurred by the time I was 20 because that was so old back then. Slowly life comes in and tells us that fairy tales aren't real. Disney lied to us. It's not all the guy's fault either. Let's be honest, they have a lot to live up to. We expected our prince to be smart, sing, strong, compassionate, manly, love to read but love sports, and most of all to take all of our trouble away. I have no doubt that there are just as many wounded princes out there as there are princesses. It's what this world has conditioned us to be. It shows us the beautiful fiction and then throws us into the facts. No man can live up to the prince's standards and let's face it ladies we aren't all singing, cooking, dancing, daring, size 0 princesses either. We are moody, emotional, distracted and half of the time have no idea what we want. The world tells us to be one thing, which most of the time we can never be. There's an inner longing inside us to be loved and wanted and while we have someone knocking on the door of our hearts we so often listen to what the world says. The world says you're not skinny enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not smart enough, you're not funny enough, you're not ENOUGH. When we hear all these voices for so long we start to believe it. We live our life comparing ourselves to others and forgetting what life is truly about. So many times we judge others by what we wish we could be. We don't even give them a chance because we have already determined that they are going to think they are too good for us or that we are too good for them. It's INSANE!!! And yet we do it all the time. I believe this is one of the devil's best ways of attacking us. He convinces us that no one could love us because we will never be enough. The amazing thing that is so hard for us to learn is that we don't have to be enough. That's what grace is for. Jesus comes in and gives the free gift of grace and makes us more than enough through Him. It's such an easy concept to write down but I still have yet to understand why it takes so much work to really apply it to our hearts. I go through spurts where I feel like I'm back in high school thinking everyone is judging me and all those emotions come racing to the forefront. Part of all that lies in selfishness and vanity. Why do I have to prove anything to anyone but God? Why do I let what people think of me direct so many aspects of my life? I've been dealing with this here lately. Struggling alot with who I am and what I'm doing with my life instead of just trying to live for God. It really is that simple. All we have to do is do everything we do (as Steven Curtis Chapman would say) to the glory of God and everything else will fall into place. That's the biggest goal in my life I need to be working on. Focusing on how my heavenly Father sees me instead of how people see me is going to have to be my first thought every morning.
Like I said, when we have trainings I have way too much time on my hands and it makes me think way too much. It is sort of a good thing. It allows me to process all that I've been dealing with. I just have to focus on not over thinking it all and ultimately just turning it all over to Jesus. So back to the whole little girl princess/prince life...the cool thing is that I am a princess. I have someone who treats me as His treasured possession. He is my prince. He came to the earth to rescue me from death. He gave His life for me and He loves me more than I could ever possibly be loved. And the greatest thing...one day He's coming back for me and we are going to ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. Beat that Disney!

What I've Learned from that Day

2011-09-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

I remember like it was yesterday. It's so funny how we can forget what we did ten minutes ago but yet when you live through a tragic piece of history it's forever ingrained in your mind. I was working on my research paper in my Junior English class at Brownstown Central High School. It was about Dreams and I remember I was having hard time putting ideas together that day. I remember a teacher running into the computer lab and telling Mr. DeHeart to turn the tv on. We were all kind of worried but just thought it wasn't going to be anything too big. When the tv came on we saw that one of the twin towers in New York was on fire. They were talking about how a plane had hit it and we were all thinking a small plane had hit it and really didn't understand how it could happen on such a clear day like that. Then we listened more and realized it was a passenger jet and I remember thinking how that could ever happen. Then as we were watching the fire intensely we saw the second plane hit. I know most of us screamed including myself. We all knew at that moment that something big was happening. We knew this was just not an accident and that our country was under attack. I was scared and remember thinking if anyone would bother to attack our small town of Brownstown and then I thought about what had happened. Since Pearl Harbor our country had not been attacked with a force like this and these were people who just got on a plane that day to go back home or go on a business trip. They had no idea what was going to happen that day. I tried to imagine how scared they might be. I couldn't even wrap my mind around the idea of being on a plane that had been hijacked. Then even more news came in. A plane had hit the Pentagon and we knew at this moment it was war. But who would do this to America? Who would dare harm our country? I remember being mad and scared and anxious and just filled with so many questions. Then the last plane went down in Pennsylvania. At first when I heard it was outside of a small town I was thinking well maybe they are going everywhere. I was thinking of all the planes that fly every day and how many of them out there could be planning the same things. Later when they said they plane was brought down by the passengers I remember being filled with such a sense of awe for those people. To me, the members of United 93 are what the American spirit was all about. They knew that their plane was headed for something large. They realized they were going to die and instead of just sitting back and letting other people perish they risked and ultimately gave up their lives to save some. I think they gave us the first true glimpse of hope in all of the tragedy that was surrounding us. Our school went on lock down and when we finally got to go home I just remember it was so quiet. No one could process what was going on. I remember we cried and had a prayer meeting and cried some more but were left with such an earnesty to do something that really mattered. I remember doing many projects and papers at school about the events of that day. I remember how so many people looked to God after that and how the church started to flourish for a few years.
It's funny how history repeats itself. Whenever people are persecuted and torn down the church grows and so does our faith. When we realize that what we have and what we do doesn't matter if we don't have God our mind changes. It's been ten years since that day and sometimes I wonder if America has really changed. Yes security is tight now and many operations and wars and everything else have occurred but have we changed? Do we still live as if nothing could happen to us and with the sense that we are elite for some reason? Did all of those innocent people give their lives for something we have already lost? My mind is filled with so many emotions but I keep getting taken back to the passengers of United 93. They willingly risked their lives to save people they didn't know. Can we say we would do the same? Are we even willing to risk our reputation to tell people about Jesus? We can save people from eternal death but we let so many things hold us back. I can't help but think if we had an ounce of the courage those people had that day we might be rocking the world with all the things being done for Christ.
I will never forget that day and the impact it has had on my life. The thousands of Americans that lost their life that day to true evil and hate will always be on my heart. But so will the millions of people who are lost without a Savior. I can't do anything to bring the others back but maybe I can start saving lives from this point on.

It's Not Mine Anyway

2011-09-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days where I am having emotional highs followed by emotional lows. Sometimes it makes me nervous. I wonder if it's a problem that needs addressed. I joke sometimes because working for a mental health agency makes you try and diagnose yourself all the time. I guess we all have days where our emotions don't really know where they want to lie so they take us on a rollar coaster ride.
I've been thinking alot about Haiti again. I don't really think I've stopped thinking about Haiti since we left in February. I can't believe it's already September and we go back in like six months. It's time to start fundraising again and it just makes me so excited. I'm listening to JJ Heller today and the song playing now is "Not Mine Anyway." If you haven't heard the song you need to look it up. It's so powerful and it relates to what I've been thinking about here lately. I want to give all I have to God but sometimes we hold on so tight to things that do not matter at all. This song reminds me that nothing is ours anyway. Everything we have and are belongs to God so why not turn it all over to the one who made it all? It seems simple enough and I know that it will make my life so much easier but there's always something that seems to hold me back. That's what I've been working on here lately is to dissect myself and find that little part that won't let go of the control I think I have.
I've been thinking also about how much more I need to be working with the community I live in as well. Our church has an open door and we aren't utilizing it like we should. I've been thinking about this a lot and I hope we can start to change this. I'm hoping we can get together a group that can focus on reaching out to the community and helping them and just showing them the love of Christ. I don't think Jesus intended His church to be focused just on those inside the doors. He came to seek and save that which was lost and sick so we should be doing the same. I'm excited about the possibilities that we might have through this!

Vanity

2011-08-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

I am struggling today. My allergies are acting up thanks to living in the Ohio Valley area. I'm pretty sure we all are doomed this time of the year. I have so much I need to be doing today and yet I can't find the motivation to do any of it. Things have been crazy here lately. I've been so busy with work and other things that I feel like I am always trying to play catch up with my own life. The stomach issues are back which are making me nervous. It seems like it's a little worse every day. I have a CT Scan scheduled for Wednesday so hopefully that will bring some light to what's going on.

On a different note, sometimes I think I am too sensitive. I think I take everything too personal. Someone can say something innocently and not in a mean tone at all and somehow my brain takes it as an insult. I don't know where this comes from. Well, in part I do. I think I've always been this way. I live life trying to please and please and please and I often to forget to please the one person who matters most. So many times I forget to do the will of my Father because I am trying to do the will of others just to find acceptance or reassurance that I am good at something or just good. I think way too much of my life relies on what people think of me, in other words vanity. I think vanity encompasses so much more than just the way we look, although I worry constantly about that too. I worry if my job is good enough, if my personality is good enough...it all comes down to am I good enough, which when you think about it all comes down to thinking way too much about ME. I can be so selfish in how I look at things. So many times it's what am I going to get from this, what will they think about ME and so on. Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to stop worrying about what others think of me and just concentrate on how God sees me. His is the only opinion that matters and yet I spend so much time and emotion on others. The greatest thing I can do for myself is to realize it's not all about ME! It's about God and doing His will and pleasing Him. Everything else is well, vanity!

The Power of Positive Thinking

2011-08-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I really have no idea where to start this post and where to end. I'm going to try and give an update on what's happened since my last post but it's so crazy you might not believe me. Here goes...

I was scheduled to have a simple outpatient surgery on May 20th. I went in, had the surgery, was released and everything seemed to be going well. On all account the surgery was successful. Fast forward to May 22nd and I'm in the shower removing my bandages. I heard it was easier to do it there because of the water. What they neglect to tell people is that if you are prone to being queasy at the sight of blood or pain you might want to do it lying down. The next thing I remember is coming to sitting down in the bathtub and being so confused at why I was sitting down. I heard mom screaming "Sarah, Sarah wake up, What's Wrong" and other things hysterical. I was so confused and then the pain hit me like a brick. My mouth was on fire and it felt as if someone were punching me in the face. I looked down and saw blood on me and felt it in my mouth and then I felt my tooth which sent more pain through me. I realized something was wrong and and at that time I thought I had knocked my tooth out or had broken a piece off. Poor mom was still in shock and screaming so I told her to calm down, that I was alive and conscious and to get me a towel and call my sister Tabitha who is our own doctor in the family.

Mom calls Tab, who mind you is 8 months pregnant, yells "Tab get over here, Sarah passed out in the shower and is hurt bad" My poor sister jumps up gets her girls and drives in the van. My poor brother-in-law not knowing what has happened, jumps in the car to follow her to see what's going on. I manage to get out and look in a mirror which was a mistake. I see my tooth is not broken or out but it has pushed up almost all the way into my gums and has left my mouth looking like a cleft palliate. Christy described it as ground up meat which makes me want to pass out again :)

Finally my sister gets there, I get the most comfortable thing on that's close and we head to the ER. They call my other sister and my father and all the family, affectionately called by my brother-in-law as the Clampets, roll into the ER. The next 15 min were wasted away by the doctor looking at me and saying you need a dentist. That bit of advice and a rinse in a cup cost me over $500 alone. Amazing huh? Luckily I knew a dentist and one of his assistants goes to our church so they beat us to the office and we go in to assess the damage. The only thing that could be done was to try and laser around the area to stop the bleeding and wait until the next day. Little did I know that my incident single handily almost shut down Sunday school at church, considering my brother-in-laws and sisters are all teachers!

Fast forward to Wednesday and I get a call from my sister Christy saying Tab had to be rushed to the hospital because she was bleeding profusely. When a pregnant woman hemorrhages you know it's not good. I was thinking God what is going on. We can't have any more trauma right now. ON the way to Lexington we find out Tab's had a placental abruption. This is where the placenta has a tear in it and starts to separate. The baby and the mother are in danger. We finally get to the hospital and we wait and wait and wait. Tab is still bleeding but the baby is doing alright for now. Finally at noon the doctors make a decision. They must perform an emergency C-Section for the sake of Tab and the baby. Finally about two hours later we get to see sweet little 5 pound Emma for the first time. Even though she was early they tell us she healthy and Tab is alright as well. We got to see Tab and Emma for a short time and then Kim and I went shopping. My new little niece needed tiny clothes and we were going to get her fixed up. For the first time since the accident I felt no pain. When we returned I got to hold Emma and all was right again.

The next two weeks were filled with appointments and trying to find out more information about how serious my injury was. The big question was can the tooth be saved. I find that answer out about two and half weeks after it happened. The answer was pretty much no. There was less than a 10% chance the surgery to move the tooth down would work and then a less than 10% chance the tooth would survive. The specialist in Lexington I was seeing basically said he would advise to go ahead with an implant because most likely we would be right back here anyways so I trusted him and we made plans to take the tooth out.

Another week passed and it was time to say goodbye to my front incisor #9 forever. The funny thing is I always complained and was self-conscious about that tooth because it was crooked and stuck out a bit. That tooth saved my face from being broken because that's what caught when I fell and it took all the damage. I look back now and think what I wouldn't give to have that crooked tooth back. It's funny the things we worry over that really don't mean anything and then life hits us and we realize we had it good all along.

Anyways, I said farewell to the tooth through yet another surgery. I woke up from that one feeling amazing, that is until the pain medication wore off and then it was the worst pain I do believe I have felt for a long time. They had to do bone-grafting surgery since the tooth shattered the aveolor bone that teeth attach too when it intruded into my gums. I was fitted for a flipper, yes like the dolphin, basically a fake tooth on a retainer, and then that's that for now. The bone grafting had to set up for three months before we can move ahead. I go back in September to see if we are ready to move on to placing the implant root in, which has to fuse to the bone for another three months, and then the crown will be attached on.

Through all of this I've just been in awe of life really. It's amazing how you can adjust to things you never would dream of. Taking my fake tooth out to eat and at night to brush has become second nature. It really doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me anymore. At first I was like "are you kidding me?" "Why me?" "I'll never have a real front tooth again." Then I started to think of how lucky I am to live in a country where I can receive instant treatment and end up with a implant that will function like a normal tooth. It's not something I would choose, but God helps you cope. He led me to great doctors who know that they are doing and He protected me through it all.

My tub collects water, so if my mother hadn't been down there with me I could have drowned. By the grace of God my tooth was the only thing injured in the fall. I could have broken my nose, face, jaw, or all of my teeth and yet that one crooked tooth that I hated so much was the only thing to get injured. I have seen and felt God's protection over me. People have asked me how I've stayed so positive and it's laughable to me. You have to keep going. You can't let something as minuet as this slow you down or even bring you down. I've been through worse things and have felt more pain that this little hurdle in my life. God has shown me His love and I just hope I can help radiate that to the world around me.

I tell Tab that she had Emma early just to upstage my accident but I think God knew my family and I needed a dose of joy in our lives. Grant it, Emma came into the world amongst fear and worry, but once she was here I know longer thought poor me or even cared. God showed me how the miracle of life can make anything better. That this life He gives us is our gift and we have to make the best out of every situation and everything we do to bring Him glory and honor. So I don't have a tooth right now. It makes for lots of laughs and I'll get one eventually. I have a new niece, a family who loved me enough to drop everything they were doing and take care of me, and a God who gave me all these gifts and so much more. Really, how could I not be positive? :)

Haiti Part De

2011-03-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since part one but life has been busy and crazy and just going by so fast. It doesn't help that I think I might have brought back something from Haiti that I didn't want. Back to the doctor I go to check that one out. Anyways, it's really hard for me to put everything that happened in Haiti down in words. Every day we were there was like a new experience in God and what He could do. I learned so much about me and how much I need to grow that I thank God for it everyday. The revivals were amazing. To see people put so much love and devotion into worshiping God made me realize how much more I should be doing. We had so much fun at the work sites too. Don't get me wrong, it was hard work and all in the sun and heat but it was so fun getting to know members of our team more and seeing how we and the Haitians can work together to get so much accomplished. It will be such a blessing to the school to be able to have more room to expand. It will offer more children education and to me that is worth it all. Every time we turned around the people were thanking us and telling how grateful they were and if they only knew how much they touched us and helped us I think it would amaze them. I learned what true strength is and how much I have to be grateful for and how so many little silly things do not matter at all. We had the privilege of getting to know some amazing people. Yvrose, the main missionary, is such an amazing woman of God. She is carrying on the mission that her and her late husband started and she will not hold back at all. She has so much faith and perseverance that it just blows me away. She welcomed us with open arms and an open heart and we were able to see how much she loved the village. That love spread to us and we really want to help her be able to continue this mission and expand it to even greater things. Our translators were amazing. One was Yvrose's brother and the other was a friend of a friend of Yvrose and they both quickly became part of our team. We laughed with them, cried with them, and learned so much from them. I love how you can make such great friends in a short amount of time. Most of us are planning on going back next year. We are so excited to go back and work with the friends that we made and are looking forward to making new ones. We have so much we want to do for the Lord down there and we hope with His help we can accomplish it all for His glory! There is so much more that happened but it just can't all be written down. I know God was able to teach me so many things and I just hope I will be able to hold on to those and use them to benefit His kingdom!

Haiti Part 1

2011-03-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't really had much time to do anything since we got back from Haiti. I was busy with getting back to work and being sick and missing Haiti that I haven't had the time to really sit down and process our trip. I think I'm finally getting over this sickness. Apparently I caught some crazy Haitian stomach bug, but hopefully it will be over soon. The trip was amazing. It's going to be really hard for me to put it into words. I have been on several mission trips and they just get better. I think God uses you more and more each time you go. I had really tried to work on my relationship with God more before I went and I'm glad I did because this trip was so mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting. God opened my eyes to the desperate need for Him to be shown to the people of Haiti. They need God's love and comfort so much. I really believe that it's our duty as the church of America to go to other places that are less fortunate. There aren't many other churches around the world in our domination that can just take up and go help others. Most of them are barely getting by themselves. God has blessed our churches here and I think He has done that so we can go help others.
The first glimpse of Haiti is breathtaking. You see it from a plane and it just looks like this beautiful mountainous part of an island. Once we got on the streets of Port-Au-Prince it was a different story. There is still beauty to be found in the countryside and most of all in the people but the devastation just breaks your heart. You see miles and miles of people living in tents and pools of infested water and people who have nothing and I mean nothing to their name. You see children running along side the road barefoot and barely clothed, looking like they haven't eaten in days or weeks. You see trash burning everywhere, random piles of debris and waste and you can't help but just break into sobs. You realize at that moment that you are not prepared for this trip and that nothing really could have prepared you. I tried not to stare at the people but they had such sadness in their eyes. Like a child whose been left all alone. I just wanted to get out and hug them but it was too dangerous for us to get out at nighttime in the city.
We drove out of the city and headed to our home for the next week and a half. Though it was dark you could still sense the beauty of the country. We went up and down mountains and off the paved roads and about three hours later we reached our destination of Dufially. The moment I saw the place we were staying I knew we were going to be blessed. There were balloons and other decorations set up around our outside tables were we would eat. They had been preparing a meal for us and a welcome party. From the very start you are humbled that these people are so happy to see you and you haven't done a thing. You realize they have a real heart and real compassion that we could only hope to achieve. We ate the wonderful stew that Yvrose, the main missionary, had made and it was just what we needed. We had our group meeting and went to bed with so much anticipation of what would come.
The next day we got to see where we were in daylight and we were pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but God's beauty was all around in the landscape and in the faces of the people who were staring at us. We unpacked and got ready for revival that night. The first night of revival was definitely an experience for us all. I have been to places were the church service has no time limit but these people love to sing and worship God. Hearing their voices and seeing their dances and smiles made you want to love God as much as they did. It was amazing to see the crowd that came out to the soccer field for the revival but even more amazing how the kids waisted no time in sitting on our laps and being our friends. You could tell some of them just wanted some attention and some of them desperately wanted to feel love. They would hold on to you so tightly as if they were afraid you would leave them and most likely some of them had experienced that pain before. They loved our white skin and had to constantly feel it and play with our hair. I even had one little boy lick me. We had revival almost every night we were there and it was amazing to see the people worship.
One night I had a little girl who clung on to me tighter than any other child had before. She layed on me and hugged me and had to constantly have my arms wrapped around here. I didn't mind at all but I could sense she just needed that love. When it was almost over she got up suddenly and ran away. A few minutes later she returned with a man who looked about 10 years my senior. She sat down again by me and was trying to tell me something and I had no clue what she was saying. Luckily we had a young man beside us who could speak English who told me what she and her father were saying. She brought her dad over to meet me because she wanted to tell him that I was like a mother to her. That I was what she wanted in a mother. All I could say was thank you before they had to leave. I was so humbled that night. God had used me to show the love of a mother to a little girl. Even if it was only for one night she felt that someone loved her and I only hope she can one day learn the love that the Father has in store for her. This is just one of the many stories from our trip. I have much more to say but my brain is tired from all the thinking :) More to come soon...

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

2011-02-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

So I haven't blogged for awhile. It's not because I haven't had anything to write, more along the lines I've had too much and don't know how to write it or to even start. My mind has been going crazy and I have a feeling for the next two weeks it's not going to get any better. We leave for Haiti in less than two weeks and getting ready for this trip has been harder than others. I guess having a full-time job now and making sure all that's taken care of is part of it, but also just getting mentally prepared for the trip. I think this might be the most challenging trip so far. There is so much devastation in this country and so much oppression that it breaks my heart. I just want to show God's love to them and let them know how wonderful it is to be held by him. I just pray that I can let work God through me fully.
The other part of the trip that is kind of stressing me out is just from me being too comfortable with what I have here. I know I will adapt and get over it but I'm just saying it's going to be hard to shower out of a bucket every day :)
Those are the little things though that don't really matter. The main thing is I really just want to give this trip my all. As the years go by we learn more and more and I am finally getting a little mature ( a little). I think this trip means more because I am realizing the value of this kind of work more. I am so excited for this trip though. I have had my stuff laid out to pack for over a month. It feels like time is going so slow but I know once we get there it will fly by. I am just so thankful that God has given me these opportunities in life to serve Him in this way. I have been blessed so much and I'm glad I have the chance to give a little of it back.
On a different note, last night I was reading in Genesis 16 and it made me realize something even more. We can mess up our lives so greatly by trying to hurry God along. I do it all the time. I can relate to Sarai in the story because she has been told these wonderful things will come to her but she is impatient and lacking some faith and wants to make it happen on her time. How often do we do that? We think we know things God has in store for us but we try to lead Him around instead of just letting Him do His job. I don't know what I think I could control my life better than God can. Obviously I have down a lousy job at it before. Maybe I need more patience and I know I need more faith. Trusting God with our future is hard. It means we have no idea what might happen or what will happen but we do know that the best possible things will happen. That is our hope and faith!

I know this was rambling but sometimes we all need to do that!

It's time to be Happy

2011-01-13T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to Shane and Shane and for one it makes me realize how much I miss listening to their music but it also reminded me of how powerful their lyrics are.
"My happiness if found in less of me and more of You."
That's such a true statement, yet so many times we become content with being unhappy just so we can get what we want or do what we want. Why is it so hard to embrace the true happiness that come from Christ and doing His will? When we surround ourselves with Christ and all that He is we can't help but be happy, yet we chose to walk around and be sad. Why can't we open our eyes and see that "the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone?"
Sometimes I wonder if the people in the Bible, the great men and women of renown, struggled with their faith as much as I do. I get on such highs and feel like God is right beside me and then I let myself sink into such a low that I feel all alone. The whole time this is happening God is still there, yet I push Him away. I think He's left me and He's there calling me back to Him. I sometimes wonder how many times I can push God away until He decides to stop coming back. I hope I never find that out but I know it has to be such a heartbreak to Him every time we turn away from Him. I feel so fickle that one day I can sing His praises and the next day I forget to even talk with Him. No relationship can survive like this. What is it going to take for us to fall completely in love with Christ that we can't survive without being with Him all day?
I have the opportunity to go to Haiti in about a month and I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the trip, yet I haven't been working on the spiritual side. How can I go and preach about God if I'm not with Him daily? I have been so blessed to visit different parts of the world and share the great gospel of Christ but do I really live it out in my every day life?
It's time for us to stop all the facades and just LIVE for Christ.
This is my main resolution this year. To finally just be happy in my loving savior.

"What Love Really Means"

2010-11-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

"What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

I can't make it through this song without breaking down. Not even once. I've tried and sometimes I even get mad at myself for crying, but I think it stirs something at the very core of who I am. How many times have we done something wrong, made a mistake, sinned, ect. because we were trying to fill a part of us we felt was missing. How many times have we gone too far, let something happen, just to feel loved. One of the deepest longings we have as humans is to be loved. That's the way God created us. He wanted us to yearn for His love and for us to love Him with that such intense passion. Then sin entered the world and we began to love other things and tried to use other things to fill the yearning for something to love us only as God can. We do these horrible things and don't feel any better; we only feel further from that love. It's something so simple and so easy to say to just let God love you but we make it so hard. We feel like we can't love Him enough so there's no way He can love us enough to fill our longings and often we feel as if we don't deserve the love He gives. We don't, but God gives it anyway. God loves us for every part of us. Don't get me wrong, He hates the sin we commit but He loves us. That's why it tears Him apart so much when we sin because God cannot be a part of sin so when we get trapped so far down in sin we separate ourselves from someone who just wants to show us what true love is.
There are so many parts of this song that I see played out in my life. I've been the child in the corner not understanding why people don't love her. I've been and still am the girl who thinks if she was thinner people would love her more. I have someone very near and dear to me who sits in a cell each day. I know JJ Heller had to write the words of God on this song. It's so honest and true and real I just can't get over how it touches me.
When will I realize how much God loves me for me. How He loves the goofy, silly, crazy, messy, beautiful parts of me. He created me and for me to think that He couldn't love me is really an insult to Him. God will love us for us. Not for anything we can do or anything we can become. He loves us for who He created us to be and that is His child. If we let Him, God, and only God, can show us "What Love Really Means."

Random as usual

2010-10-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like something big was about to happen in your life? Like something so meaniful and important that you just can't wait to see what it is? That's how I have felt here recently and I just keept waiting to see what it is or if it's really anything at all. I am not the most patient person ever so it's kind of driving me crazy. Maybe's that's the point. Maybe the big thing that's happening isn't a sudden hit you in the face moment, maybe it's God working on me a little each day to make me and mold me into what He wants. Maybe that's why I'm so excited because drawing nearer to Him is one of the best feelings in the world. Either way I think I'm ok with it. I'm always up for big suprises but I'm ok with gradual little ones as well.

Moving on, I will have to say this week has been kind of rough. I missed work on Monday because I was sick and alas I'm headed back to the doctor tomorrow to figure out why this sinus and ear pain won't go away. I have felt aching and dizzy and just blah all week and I don't like that. I like to feel like doing things and being around people and being happy and I just haven't felt that way.

On a different note, I will have to say that I have grown in at least one way. Without knowing it had happened, I have grown up in the whole waiting for a relationship thing and the whole jealously issues that go along with it. A friend told me she was engaged and showed me the ring and I was so happy. Last year or years before that I would have been jealous at first and starting down the long black road of "when's it going to be my turn", but not this time. I was so happy for her and when I thought about that this morning I realized God has taught me so much here recently. This past year has been such a year of growth for me that I just get so excited even thinking about it. God has taught me the best things in life are worth waiting for. I believe that God has someone wonderful out there for me but I believe He is working in me to make me ready to meet this person. I now know that if this doesn't happen I will be ok because I have God with me. I would rather not marry than marry the wrong person because I rushed into something but deep down I think God is planning something amazing for me.

This post has been so random it's insane but we all have those days. I am so glad tomorrow is Friday because I am so ready to just have a weekend on nothingness. It will be the first Saturday I get to sleep-in, in almost two months. That's big stuff for me haha.

I love that when we have bad days or weeks and things don't go the way we think they should, God is there for us to lean on and hold us. I am so excited just to learn more about Him and what He has in store for me!

Ready for the 26th year!

2010-10-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

It is past time for a new post and I really don't even know where to start or where to end. I feel like there is a lot to say but it's one of those times when I don't know if I can say it all and it make sense or even if I want to write that long. We shall see.
Well the biggest event recently, I guess, would be me turning twenty-six last Saturday. Wow is all I have to say. My brain still tries to tell me I am 18 or 20 and now I'm 26. I'm not going to lie. When I was growing up I thought I would have accomplished so much more in my life by now. I thought I would be married, have two kids, be doing some type of media job...but my how things like dreams and plans change...and honestly thank God that they do.
I now know that someday I will be on the mission field. Because of things not turning out like I had planned in my life God has laid that passion on my heart and I am forever thankful for it. I know I am where I should be right now. I have an awesome job at the moment. I love what I do and it's the perfect job to have while I pay off my student loans. And...as long as it has taken me to say this I am so glad I haven't found someone to marry yet. For one, I haven't met someone that I can truly say I would like to be married or that they would like to be married to me :) The biggest reason is that right now I have such a pivotal role in the youth group as that big sister character. They have their parents and a few married couples who play the parent role but I love the relationship I have with them as the big sister. I couldn't imagine leaving them right now and I know God wants me to be here for them. It's funny how what you plan out in your head or what you dream to happen is not near as great as what God has planned. He has proved this time and time again to me and He never ceases to amaze me.
I still have my times when I worry and doubt about what is to come but giving those over to Him gives you such a sigh of relief it's amazing. Relinquishing that control to God just makes life so much easier.
There's an older country song that, however corny it may be, rings true right now. I do thank God for unanswered prayers, or prayers that were answered in a way different than I wanted them to be. I am so glad that God plans my life because if it were up to me, I would not be as happy and hopeful as I am right now. So to turning 26 I say...COME ON! 25 was a great learning year for me so I'm ready for what lies ahead :)

L-O-V-E

2010-08-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ok...if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times...I don't understand God's love. I know we never will be able to fully wrap our minds around it but it just blows me away that I feel so close and loved by someone I have never seen face to face. I know He's there. I feel Him everyday and that is what blows me away. When I'm being stupid or foolish I can still feel His love pulling me back in and I can't grasp how someone could love me even after I do all the stuff to hurt them. It amazes me how God is willing to love things that are messy and troubled and even gross sometimes. He just keeps loving.
When Josh died I was angry at God. I'll admit it. I was mad, I didn't understand it at all and I just kept asking God why? The most amazing thing to me is that through all of that, God wasn't offended and He didn't turn His back on me because I was angry with Him. He loved me even more and sought me even more. He fought for me just as satan was trying to fight for me. He never let me go. I honestly know He carried me through that whole time and it hurts me to realize that because I was so mad at Him and didn't think He was there for me but He was taking the brunt of the pain. He had to listen to a child He desperately loves tell Him that He was mean to her and He hated her and He took the thing that she couldn't live without. I know He had to be thinking, "Sarah, you can't live without Me so I won't let you." I think even though those times are hard on God and us He does celebrate with us in that weakness because for once in our lives we realize we can't do it all by ourselves. We are not in control and we have to rely on someone and God is saying "Chose me. Rely on me and my everlasting love to hold you and protect you through it all." Everyone goes through this struggles in life. We face hardships and it was never promised to us that we wouldn't. It was just promised that God would be there when these things happened. I think we have to go through some of it or we will never understand even a little bit of how much God truly loves us.
I have days where I feel alone and sometimes wonder if anyone really loves me or if I will find love and yadda yadda yadda and then it hits me how much that has to hurt God. I'm never alone and I have to keep reminding myself that. I have a Father who holds me and sees me cry and laugh and fall down and run around and be crazy. He does all those things with me. He delights in us.
I think it's hard for us to understand love that like because it is perfect in every way and we don't have that kind of love from anyone else other than God. Sometimes I just sit in awe of His love. I just wonder how He could love me like that. I know I will always think about that until the day I meet Him but I am so thankful that I will always have that love.
Now the main goal is sharing that love with others. I want other people to be able to feel the relief of that love when it comes over them. God desires nothing more than for all of His children to come to Him and ask for that love. Let's get on making that happen!

O Happy Day

2010-08-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

So I might be addicted to this whole blogging thing at the moment. Maybe it's because I really don't have anyone around here to talk to so I talk to my computer :) You know when you have those days when you wake up and you feel great and your excited and then you go out of your house and the whole world seems grumpy...well that's how it seems today. It almost makes you feel guilty for being happy but I won't be. Being happy is so much more fun so that's what I chose. I heard this song on AOL Radio today and I had to share it. If you get a chance you should listen to it!

Hanging On by Britt Nicole

You see my anxious heart. You see what I am feeling and when I fall apart.
You are there to hold me. How great your love for me.
Now I see what you're thinking, you say I'm beautiful, your voice is my healing.
Without you I just can't get by so I'm

Hanging on to every word you speak cause it's all that I need.
Hanging on to every word you say to light up my way.
Even every little whisper I'm hanging on as if it were my life. I'm hanging on.

And when the darkness falls I can't see what's before me.
Your voice is like the dawn always there to guide me.
Without you I just can't get by so I'm

Hanging on to every word you speak cause it's all that I need.
Hanging on to every word you say to light up my way.
Even every little whispter I'm hanging on as if it were my life. I'm hanging on.

That song just spoke to me today. I think it goes along perfectly with what I have been going through here lately and it reminds me that the answers and comfort I've been longing for are in God's word just waiting for me to find them. I love the fact that there's something new everyday in his word.

We've been doing a Beth Moore bible study at my sister's house and Monday I was really blow away by something that was said. She said it's hard being able to balance your passion with patience. Then she went on to say that God's patience always involves His passion. Those statements were exactly what I needed to hear. I feel like I have so much passion for so many things in life and that makes me want them now. I have a passion to be on the mission field, I have a passion to one day have a family, I have a passion to just be living. While we can be living our life to the fullest anywhere we are I really think that God is asking me to practice patience in the earlier things. I think He really wants me to take some time and grow some before I go out on the mission field and I know He wants me to grow in Him more before I am ready to be in a relationship.

And the thing I know about God is that He loves making things happen when you don't expect them. I love His suprises and that means we have to wait and have patience but when God gives a gift it is sooo worth waiting for.

So I am going to have a very happy day today. I will not let the grumpy world get me down. I am so thankful that I have a savior who loves me and fills me with so much joy. If you don't know Him you really should. He will change your life!

Warning: This post might not make sense :)

2010-08-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yes it's true. I am writing another post. That's two in two days. That might be a record for me. I am really hoping to keep it up this time. I won't make any promises because you can obviously see that I don't do well at keeping this up. I've been dealing with lots of issues here lately. My head likes to take something and run with it and once it starts it is so hard to stop. I blame other people in my life for putting these notions in my head. Most of it here lately has been about relationships. Everyone from sisters to co-workers to people I really don't even know have felt the need to try and set me up recently. I guess I shouldn't be so opposed to it because many people meet their significant others this way. And it's not like I am trying to rush into anything which has been the case before. I truly believe that waiting is what God wants me to do. He has a plan and although sometimes I want to know it or make it happen a little faster I know that it's not how He wants it. It will happen how it should happen when it should happen and I am ok with that most of the time :) But the more people put the possibility of it in my head the more I run with it and think of what could be. Any maybe, just because I have been working with babies here lately, but for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I have felt the desire to have a child soon. I hold little babies or see them and I start thinking that I really do want to be a mother and sometime in the near future, but I keep reminding myself I have to trust God above everything. No matter what my head is running to or what people are saying, God knows best. It's kind of funny because some of the options people have set me for aren't bad at all. I know it's weird me saying that but it's me so why wouldn't it be somewhat weird. I see these ideas and my mind runs with them and suddenly in my head I have a family of four in a house, not with a white picket fence in my dream, more like a place out in only God knows where on the mission field haha. Even my so called normal life dreams are different :) But when this happens I have to tell myself...WHOA!!!! Stop. Stop daydreaming and playing house in your head and just breath. I love it when God does that. Everynow and then I need that person to slap me in the face and tell me to come back to reality...think of a scene in 27 dresses...yes that's what I need sometimes and God does it to me. I appreciate that He literally doesn't slap me in the face but sometimes it still does hurt when I realize it and other times I truly feel better because of it. The best lesson anyone can learn is that is not all about us. It's about God and how He works through us. If these things are meant to be then they will happen so much better than anyway I could ever imagine them so why even bother spending precious time with a fake reality I make in my head.
I am starting to realize this post is slightly crazy and probably only makes sense to a few people but who knows maybe it can help someone or at least make them laugh. Basically what I've been trying to say is that...I am ok. I don't have to be set up and you don't have to feel sorry for me. If it happens then great but really God is working in my life right now and I'm doing ok :)

Waiting

2010-08-24T12:54:00.001-07:00

Well here I go again. Another post and it's about 6 months later or so. What can I say? It's just part of who I am. So much has happened in the last year of my life that I haven't really been able to just take a step back and breathe. When I do I am just amazed at how much God has blessed me and worked in my life. I was in need of a job, but more than that, something I could make a career out of for now. I still plan on going into mission work, but I am working on paying off student loans so I can just go wherever God leads me. My job now is so fulfilling I only have God to thank for leading me to it. I knew that whatever I did in this waiting period of my life, I still wanted it to have some meaning and purpose. I know that we can make any job have that with the power of God but I just wanted something different. God led me to our Regional Prevention Center and has allowed me to work as a substance abuse prevention specialist. I get to help students and others in our community work at staying off of drugs and alcohol. I was in my drug free club in High School and I was always so into everything we did and excited to be doing it so this fits great for now. I am able to feel like I am really reaching people and helping them and at the same time I am working on my goal to get on the mission field. I know God has called me to this waiting period in my life right now and there are days when I am perfectly ok with it and then there are days when I feel like I am going to go crazy. I am still living on the parent's property. Thankfully I have my own apartment-type structure, but a part of me feels bad for living off of them and then the world is telling me I am a failure for doing so. But yet again, that's me listening to the crazy things the world tells me and judging myself by their standards which I do so often and it's insane!!!!
My weight loss efforts have been going pretty well actually. That's a plus that's happening in my life right now. I am now at a weight I think I haven't been at since 8th grade which is great. We just started a year long competition at work so hopefully that will give me motivation to keep going. You know I can't resist a good competition.
And then there's the other waiting period in my life I am in. It's something that I don't know if I'm just waiting on or if I will ever have. I would like to think that I will have it someday because even though I try and act tough and say I don't need it sometimes, I know deep down I long for that someone to share this life with and grow in Christ with. I know I don't have to have it, which is such a growth point for me. I used to believe what people told me that I was a failure without that, but I know that's not true at all. I have been able to grow closer to God and find out so much about myself by not being in a relationship. I look around and see the heartache that people have went through because they rushed into bad relationships that God obviously did not want them to have and I am thankful I never was given an opportunity to do that because I really might have. I am glad that God has taught me patience. I know by waiting He will make whatever is supposed to happen, happen and it will be the greatest thing ever. I have come to learn and I preach it all around now that there is nothing wrong with being single. Paul tells us how much more focused we can be on God when we are single. I don't think this means Paul was against marriage, I just think he's telling us not to waste this time we are given. This is such a great time of growth and learning and we don't need to waste it away crying and jumping into bad things.
I think I need to stop for now. I've gone on my soap box enough but that's a little of what's been going on in my life and my head right now. I know scary!

Dios le Bendiga!

2010-02-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

And it's almost March. I seem to average about one post every two to three months. My internet downstairs has been busted so I'm not on it as much so that hinders me from being able to write on here as much as I would like. I really don't think anyone reads this, but it's nice just to get things out.
Did I mention I love Mexico. I was blessed to go on a mission trip in Feb. and I absolutely fell in love with the people there. It was really hard for me to let them go and come back home. I know God still wants me to work in missions in some capacity. I just have to figure out how deep He wants me to go. I love when you feel Him so fully in your heart and life and you just know what you are doing is right.

I could write more, but I'm exhausted.

Ups and Downs and back again

2009-12-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

So I am not so good at this whole blogging thing. I get really into it for awhile and then I just forget about it and move on to the next big thing. In a way that could sum up my actions in my daily life. I tend to get really into a project, or activity or even person and then I just let it fade. I don't think that's a good thing at all. Yet another personality trait that I really need to work on. So let's see what has happened in my life....a whole heck of a lot...that's what. I finally found a job that I love and really could see myself sticking out for the long haul. I work at a Prevention Center for substance abuse prevention and it's amazing work. I get to work with schools and communities and it's just the type of work I think I was made to do! So that's a very good thing for me. It is one of the greatest things that have happened to me this year. One of my goal for the year was to get my life on track and I am slowly getting there.
I have also been losing weight this year. My goal was 50 pounds, and while it looks like I'm not going to get there (I'm at 35 now) I am still proud of the progress I have made and actually am going to start working out again tomorrow! I miss working out and I miss how good it makes me feel. I long to be healthy so I'm not giving up on that goal.
This year has had many ups and even more downs but I have to be thankful for them all. I have learned a lot about myself this year (good and bad) and am really ready to start becoming who I want to be and who I think God wants me to be. Hopefully I won't disappoint Him or me :)

Crazy Love

2009-03-29T18:57:00.000-07:00

So an eventful and terrifying night led me to really start thinking about my life and where I am and what I should be doing. I was coming home for church and I'm approaching a stop light. I start to slow down and it seems as if my brakes aren't working. I finally get it to say zero but it's still going forward so I turn it to park and stop the car to avoid hitting a car in front of me. I turn my car back on and turn on my road to go home. I get at a normal speed, take my foot off the gas, and yet my car still keep getting faster. By this time I'm literally freaking out and not knowing what to do. I'm slamming on my brakes and it's barely slowing down. I get it to about 30 and start to get off on the shoulder. I look ahead of me and there's a guard rail and a drop off. My car now says 20 and is not getting any slower. I had no idea what to do so I slammed it into park, almost throwing myself through the windshield and turn off the car inches away from the guard rail. Now I'm sitting on the side of the road shaking uncontrollably and crying. My sister and brother-in-law come and pick me up and he tells me my accelerator was stuck. I've only seen that happen in movies and it usually doesn't end well. It was so horrible to not have control of your car and not know what to do. So now I'm back at home and just trying to clam down and yet my mind is racing on one question.
Why does God love me so much and protect me over and over?
This isn't the first time I've almost had a bad car accident. Last year I drove off the road and could have ended up turned over on a hillside and yet I ended up back on the road with just a few problems to my car. These aren't the only instances where God has provided me with amazing protection, but they just keep happening and it just makes me wonder why He loves me so much. I know we can't begin to fathom God's love. There's no way I could ever wrap my mind around a love so powerful and so unconditional and free. It goes almost deeper than the love though for me. Am I being saved for some purpose? Do I have something life changing to do in this world? If so, what could it be? I guess losing Josh has really affected how much I think about things like this. At times I find myself thinking about what all Josh could have done with his life if he hadn't have been taken away so young. He was dynamic for Christ. He had a love for God's people that would blow your mind away. I just think of everything He might have been and I know I shouldn't think like that because he did accomplish so much here and has done so much through his death, and I know it's not Josh doing all the great things, it's Christ throuhg him. The one thing I do understand is that Josh was ready to die and be with Christ. So then I get thinking that maybe the problem lies within the fact that God loves me so much that He's trying to protect me from dying so that I can get ready to die. I honestly can say at this moment I'm not where I should be with God. I need to be in His world more so I can hear Him talking to me and know more clearly His ways for me. So all this thinking scares me in so many ways. One, if I do have some purpose for something great will I be able to do it? Or will I be able to get to where I should be with God? You think after losing Josh I would realize even more how fleeting life can be. Life is but a breath and we have to make sure that we are serving God with all that we do. I'm feeling God's love more and more each day and it's shaking my world. I've never felt love like this and it's a crazy love. My goal is to show this love to His people. God wants nothing more than all of His children to be with Him so He can love on them endlessly. I know it has to break His heart to know that He's going to lose some of His children. I see how hard it is on my parents after losing one child. Can you imagine losing thousands everyday and knowing that your other children aren't doing their part to help their family? How can we say we love God and not be loving on His people? How can I say I follow God and yet not do what He asks of me? My prayer is that I keep falling more in love with Him everyday and more in love with His children so when my times does come, I can be assured as to where I am going. On that day I will run into Jesus' arms and feel the embrace that I have so longed for and I know Josh will be there waiting for me as well. What a day that will be!

What a Day

2009-03-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days were you almost wait for something bad to happen because so much good has happened. I know that's almost being cynical but it's weird when you have a day that everything pretty much goes amazingly. I finally received my check today. Yes, after working all last month I just now received my check, but the good part was I was able to get my car in tomorrow and get the parts today for about $45 cheaper than the original price.
I also had a great moment in the weight loss category. I am officially three pounds away from the twenty pound mark. If I can lose that by Monday morning that means 20 pounds in 5 weeks!!! I just about fell over when I saw that today. It really gave me even more motivation to stay on top of things. I'm finally taking care of the body God has blessed me with and it feels great. Sure I miss a candy bar every now and then or an Ale-8, but how I feel makes all that disappear. I just keep praying for strength to carry on.
Also, today my dog seems to be doing a lot better. He was hit yesterday and it really was a hard time for me. My cat of 12 years died about two months ago and I was afraid our dog was going to die as well. I was the only one home and I didn't know if he was suffering and I can't really explain it, but death of anything that's somewhat close to me just makes everything hurt. Yes, to some people it's just an animal, and I, like usual, am being a little dramatic. The real pain goes deeper though. When I first got my cat, we were just moving to Florida. I had no friends and I would go out and talk to my cat. Yes, a little sad and lonely, but for some reason she was a comfort to me. She was my friend and it was sad to see her go. The real thing that gets me though is that they are just animals and it hurts and then it makes me think of people I have lost and it hurts even more. For some reason here lately, I have been missing Josh even more than usual. I had finally been remembering him mostly with laughter and smiles, but recently it's been pain. He helped me in so many ways and it's hard for me to handle certain things in life without him. I guess it pushes me to a deeper relationship with God in where I have to trust Him for these answers, but it's hard. I think part of it is the fact that I'm trying to lose weight and get healthy. He is my inspiration for this process. He succeeded at the whole process, so when I'm doing this I'm thinking of him and I just want him to see me and encourage me and be proud of me. He always told me I could do it and I just wish I would have done it with him like he invited me to do. I've learned regret is an evil but also learning experience. You can drive yourself crazy with regret, or you can learn from it and move on. I'm really trying to focus on the later, but I think sometimes it's almost impossible to let some of the regrets go. I know this is crazy to think that all of this thought process came from my dog almost dying but maybe it helps people to see why the whole incident bothered me as much as it did.
My next goal is the most important goal I need to focus on. I have to truly be in God's word daily and just commune with Him. I love the fact that I'm starting to take care of my physical needs, but my spiritual needs should rise above all the others. I have really been trying to learn more about who God is and more about His spirit and the more I learn the more I'm drawn to His amazing love for humanity. It's a love that is so freely given and a love that all people long for and dream of and yet we turn it away so many times. I guess this could be a whole different entry but I'm really amazed more and more every day at how deep God's love really is.

That's all for now. Enough late night rambling.

Trying Something New

2009-03-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm actually thinking of getting rid of myspace. The only reason I have kept it is for the blog and keeping people up to date. I like the look and feel of this one better so I think I am going to start using it more. I will have all my updates on weight loss and life and maybe it will be interesting for someone to see or read and learn a little bit more about me. We shall see.